Thoughts on growing up @ 22

Growing up is a trap, a lie, a hoax. It’s one of those capitalist pieces of #### where they tell you that growing up is cool and awesome, but the side-effects are written in an illegibly small font at the bottom of the contract.

Maybe I was weird… but as a child, I sometimes used to think that when my dog, my grandpa, my grandma, my mum or dad will be X years old, I’ll be Z years old and by then I will have uncovered some sort of secrets of the universe. By then, everything will be fine. By then, I’ll learn how to deal with grief. By then, nothing will ever hurt. I’ll be a grown-up. Whatever that means. I’ll be an adult. Everything will be different. And in some ways, it really is. I was super excited to grow up and I’m not disappointed at all. But adulthood isn’t what it says on the tin. You still cry when you lose someone close to you. You’re never ready. If you think that adulthood will make life more bearable, that’s a myth. A myth that’s less believable than my favourite Greek myth, that of Philemon & Baucis. You may be grown up, but you never grow ready and you never grow forever blissful.

Truth is… you do, however, grow wiser. The Universe prepares you in its dark and twisted ways. It paves your way with books about grief, so you get familiar with it. It wakes you up at 2 am for no apparent reason, only to figure out that something else was happening at the same time miles away. You never learn to read these signs - only hindsight is 20-20 - but growing wiser means that you know yourself and you know what you need to do. You know that, for example, you need to find a park and cry, then read, then look at old pictures, then write, then have some tea and go to sleep. By the time you wake up, it will still hurt, but it will be a little better. Rinse and repeat until one day you feel at peace with everything.

So, happy new year to me. 22. A strange number. But also the age when I start my MA and seriously get onto developing DEIS UK. It’s also the age when I hope to finish writing my first book. It seems to be the age of new beginnings. As I started saying a lot lately, the rest of my life begins today.

One thing I must say in defence of growing up, when done correctly it is quite nice. I mean, at 21 I realised my worth, my value. I’m finally at that stage when I can just shut up the impostor syndrome in my head because it’s got no evidence that I’m not good enough, while I have all the evidence that I am, in fact, good enough. No, growing up doesn’t mean that you stop crying, or that nothing ever hurts, or whatever else childhood makes you think adulthood is, BUT it gives you the chance to increase your quality of life. Keep in mind, that it’s a chance, not a given. Adulthood Perfect Life, unless you make it that way.

I’ve heard people say that life is the easiest while you’re in school. Everything gets harder afterwards. May I not believe that? Maybe it’s true, but I don’t want it to be true. And I will actively work to ensure that it won’t come true. I’ve been raised to make the choices I want to make and stick with them. Being stubborn is a great gift if you know how to use. My grandma is the most stubbornest person I’ve ever met, but here she still is, almost 90 years old, and she is one of the most positive and optimistic people on Earth.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that growing up doesn’t work the way I thought it was going to work, but it’s got its ups as well as its downs. This is what I think, coming out of my quarter-life crisis. I’m 22. Next year, I’ll be 23. Then 24. And then there’ll be 25 years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination. Life goes on. People come and go, Bea, people die.

Every year I share a song. This year’s starts with:

I think I'm done with 21

This isn't that much fun

And then goes on to say:

I cleaned my room

I paid my dues

I did all of the things that they all told me to

I filled my head

With common sense

I did all of the things that everybody said

So how come all the worst days

Are in the time of my life

Let’s see what this adulthood thing is all about.