Progress is sometimes scary

I am writing this here just to get it off my chest. And maybe it will help someone else get through an episode of ‘progress anxiety’.

I feel like running away from everything that’s happening right now. All the projects, all the awesome things I’m doing. I just feel like stopping everything and hiding under a rock for the rest of my life. I don’t feel overwhelmed - I know what I have to do, it’s all clear in my head, and being overwhelmed feels different.

I am scared. Anxious. Panicked.

I am actually going through a little episode of the Impostor Syndrome.

How am I able to do all these?

How am I not failing?

Is anything I do really valuable?

Am I actually capable?

What did I do to deserve everything going on?

?????

Progress and Change do feel like this sometimes. I felt this before and I will probably feel this again. I like to seem confident and in control as much as possible. And I actually am confident and in control most of the time. But sometimes I’m not confident and I’m not in control. Sometimes I overthink and whenever I overthink, I start questioning everything that’s going on. I feel discouraged. It’s times like these when you want to give up on everything. Nothing bad happened today. In fact, it’s quite the opposite - great news, things to be excited about, projects coming up. But my brain decided to mess with me.

Dreams coming true are scary. Happiness is scary. Excitement is scary. Everything is scary when you overthink it. I used to have panic attacks because of this. In time (and thanks to countless talks with Diana, the #youthworker), I learned to catch myself overthinking before it’s too late. I recognise the questions - the what-if and the how. But instead of answering all these questions with other questions, I try to answer with the truth.

How am I able to do all these?

I’ve been volunteering for almost 5 years. I know how to do these.

How am I not failing?

I have so many amazing people supporting me, helping me, and working with me.

Is anything I do really valuable?

Of course, it is. Everyone confirmed it.

Am I actually capable?

Again, 5 years of experience. And research. And other people.

What did I do to deserve everything going on?

I made the right friends & partners and took advantage of all the best opportunities.

It’s hard to believe myself sometimes. Especially if I ask myself too many questions. Sometimes I need other people to make me stop. Sometimes it’s easier to take a positive answer if someone else says it. Other times you need to hear these questions out loud to realise how silly they are. Or to see them written down (that’s what I did now).

I think the real danger of overthinking/progress anxiety/impostor syndrome is leaving it unaddressed. I used to try and ignore it, to distract myself from it. But it only came back stronger. The questions spiralled out of control and came back to me in the most inappropriate moments. For me, the solution was to confront myself or to talk about it with someone else and invite them to confront me indirectly. Sometimes I needed to hear the very harsh truth to rewind my thought process. I cannot manage this on my own. I need tools. My best tool is writing. But speaking about it is another great tool. Reading or listening to music also helps, because I have something to occupy my attention while I deal with the questions in my head - I am too focused to get a panic attack, but not focused enough to be distracted. The same thing applies to playing video games. Taking a walk or spending time outside is also great.

Real-time update: anxiety is slowly going away, replaced by my usual excitement and optimism. My heartbeat is slowing down. I can breathe again.

Hopefully, this text will help someone. If the text doesn’t help and you’re totally overthinking everything right now, message me. Please. I know how you feel. Let’s have a chat about it.