Emergency at work. Be back late.

You write a note Emergency at work. Be back late. and stick it to the fridge. You put on a vibrant red dress, but you know you don’t have time for make-up. You throw a few things inside your bag and head out the door before anyone wakes up. It’s sunny, so you put your sunglasses on and hope no one will recognise you.

You know you’re going to be late, but you take your time. It’s already 9.30, it’s going to be at least 10.15 until you reach the hotel. No need to rush. He will be there anyway, waiting for you, impatient and anxious. He was out of town for a few days and returned last night. Where was he anyway? A holiday with his wife and kids? No. He visited his sister. Right. You hope he won’t be in the mood to talk. You have other things to do. He always complains about his marriage and that the job is too much for him, now he’ll talk about his sister and her situation. Damn if you’re not sick of this man almost as much as you are sick of your husband.

Sigh

An old woman looks at you strangely. You take out your e-cig and start puffing. The taste - strawberry. Where have you felt this before? Ah, the hotel. You were in a different room because they were redecorating. Strawberry. You understand it in sweets and cakes, but why strawberry ‘tasting’ condoms? Who invented those anyway? You keep walking trying to shake off any thoughts. The kids. No. The husband. No. Your job. No. The emergency. No.

The trees are nice this morning. You can hear some birds. There aren’t too many cars. Yes, these are the thoughts you want to have. Keep thinking.

What if the kids woke up? What if he calls me and I can’t answer? He’ll get jealous. I hate that. I hate him. But what if he won’t be there? You’ll just go about your day. You think most men are hate-worthy. They’re either too masculine or not masculine at all. One acts like a neanderthal, the other is worse than women. Your father was the only good example. He’s the only man you’re sure you don’t hate. Not yet, at least. And your son? No, he’s going to be exactly like his father or exactly like you. You think you’re a bad mother for saying this. No. Stop.

Trees. Birds. Flowers. No cars. No people. You worry too much.

You’re getting close. You’re nervous and a little happy - another day away from your family. It doesn’t even matter you won’t be as happy as you deserve to be today. You’re long past the age of happiness. No matter what you do, the days you were unhappy will never be surpassed by the days of your happiness. At least today you’ll feel appreciated. A bit.

You see the hotel and you’re ready to cross the street. A speeding car is coming your way so you quickly take a step back. Your heart is beating like crazy. It’s red so you need to wait for 2 minutes. What if you died today? You take another puff from your e-cig and try to calm down. The kids. The family. The job. Emergency. Everything leaves your mind and you can’t think of anything else. It’s silent. Exactly what you wanted this morning.

You cross the street. Today you want to be as happy as you deserve to be. You did not die today. Not yet.

Photo by Jeanine - @hwlng.j