An emotional reset in ' The Midnight Library'. A book and life review.

Books have a way of finding you at the right time. It feels like the Universe just knows… 

October and November have been physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. When I got home last week I realised that my days would settle back into their usual routine. I felt relieved but also opened an emotional floodgate I’d been holding back. My mental health and overthinking downward spiral? Analysing and overanalysing every choice I’ve made so far and possible futures. Caught in the middle of everything and especially thinking about things I might regret… 

Working as the communications lead for the Romanian Youth Summit plus going back to uni, working with the SU, DEIS UK, and a workshop in Slovenia, October and November were two months of peak productivity. Two months in which I did what I do best to self-sabotage - turned down emotions and turned up the brain. I knew I was doing it so I did allow some of my feelings to float to the top. I cried listening to music in front of my screen and on a bench by the Thames. I also felt happy and energised when I was given an opportunity. I did weekly Yoga in October and then 20 minutes a day in November. I am proud of how I handled myself. Yet, when the adrenaline left, I felt like I was going to drown.

Cue Matt Haig’s Midnight Library. A book about regrets. Choices and outcomes. The real present and the infinite number of possible presents. I needed this book.

The main character is a woman, Nora, 35 years old, who decides to end her life. She’s unhappy, lonely, tired… As she drifts into an overdose coma, she ‘wakes up’ in this library with the librarian from her old school. Here, all the books are about lives she is currently living in parallel universes and every time Nora opens a book she is teleported into one of those lives. Whenever she starts feeling disappointed, she returns to the library. Until [I’m not going to spoil the ending!]

My midnight library would be a youth centre. My librarian would be a youth worker. 

As I was reading, I allowed my mind to drift and feel the different futures… I didn’t move to London, I didn’t have a fight with my best friend when I was 15, I didn’t go to the youth centre, I didn’t start DEIS UK, I was there when my grandparents or my childhood dog passed, I didn’t do a BA in English Lit & CW or an MA in Anthropology & Youth Work, I published a successful book or continued with music, I didn’t meet the people I know now… But who needs possibilities when the real present has so many different faces?

I look at this picture. 

Me at the Summit. Speaking in front of loads of people. Most (if not all) of those people saw my social media posts. I was also a facilitator, talking about digital youth work. Of course, I was a youth worker. The president and co-founder of an NGO. A student of Anthropology, Community Development, and Youth Work. Someone who started in Baia Mare, Romania and moved to London. 

I can map out every small moment that led me to this exact picture and je ne regrette rien.

The Midnight Library came at the perfect time. If you ever feel lost in life, read this beauty. Even I might come back to it sometime. It will turn you upside down in the best possible way. For me, it was an emotional reset. 

How do I feel now? Peaceful. Balanced. Grateful. Pleased. I’ve enjoyed these months of hard work and I’m excited for the present and the near future. The future will always feel overwhelming, so I make my choices one at a time, informed and responsible. No need to stress about it, or the past. There is a Bea doing something else in every parallel universe and I hope she’s happy there too.